Husband Wife Jokes

All Over in Four Minutes

A man and his wife are watching a Mike Tyson boxing match on pay-per-view TV. The husband sighs and says, “I’m so disappointed! It was all over in four minutes. What a rip-off!!”

The wife replies, “Good! Now you know how I feel.”

Are they relative of yours ?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, ‘Are they relatives of yours?’

‘Yes,’ his wife replied. ‘I married into the family.’

Fighting With the Devil

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, “We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week.”

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, “It’s not all my fault either; she’s tough to get along with.”

Friend For Dinner

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What?… Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Good Reason

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

Good Relationship

“Mary,” asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?”

“Another woman with MY husband?” Mary thought it over.

“Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”

House Calls

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”

“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”

Husband and the Genie

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie’s lamp.

The genie came out and said,” Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.”

The guy didn’t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

“Genie, I want a house in Hawaii.” POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn’t make him happy but, he made his second wish.

“Genie,I want 2 billion dollars.” POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn’t very happy. The genie says,”You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.” The guy says,” Yeah,yeah.I know.” So the guy thinks real hard and says “

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!”

New Wife

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”

The man said, “No dear.”

The women said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,’ and the husband winks and says, ‘Honey, let’s go upstairs…’

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, ‘Is that your final answer?’ The wife says yes.

The husband says, ‘Well, can I phone a friend?