Funny Science Quotes:

“When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Tibet because it is not found in a free state.”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“Equator: A imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalised German.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”

“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”

“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”

“Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.”

“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

“What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde,” but we had money left over — so now we’re going to Sea World.”

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy”.

Paddy replies “Right Mick, I’ll be on my way then.” Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off & falls flat on his face. “Shoyte” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. “Shoite, Shoite!” He knows if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face. “Be’Jayses… I’m fockin’ focked”. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up and shimmies inside. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door, then to the bed and says “Fock it” and manages to crawl into bed.

The next morning his wife comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”.

Paddy says, “That I did. I was fockin’ p*ssed. But how’d you know?” “Mick the barman just phoned me . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.”

All Over in Four Minutes

A man and his wife are watching a Mike Tyson boxing match on pay-per-view TV. The husband sighs and says, “I’m so disappointed! It was all over in four minutes. What a rip-off!!”

The wife replies, “Good! Now you know how I feel.”

Are they relative of yours ?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, ‘Are they relatives of yours?’

‘Yes,’ his wife replied. ‘I married into the family.’

Fighting With the Devil

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, “We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week.”

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, “It’s not all my fault either; she’s tough to get along with.”

Friend For Dinner

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What?… Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Good Reason

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

Good Relationship

“Mary,” asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?”

“Another woman with MY husband?” Mary thought it over.

“Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”

House Calls

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”

“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”

Husband and the Genie

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie’s lamp.

The genie came out and said,” Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.”

The guy didn’t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

“Genie, I want a house in Hawaii.” POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn’t make him happy but, he made his second wish.

“Genie,I want 2 billion dollars.” POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn’t very happy. The genie says,”You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.” The guy says,” Yeah,yeah.I know.” So the guy thinks real hard and says “

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!”

New Wife

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”

The man said, “No dear.”

The women said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,’ and the husband winks and says, ‘Honey, let’s go upstairs…’

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, ‘Is that your final answer?’ The wife says yes.

The husband says, ‘Well, can I phone a friend?

Funny and Informative Indian Videos

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Jasmeet caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.

Jasmeet : “What are you searching for?”

Santa : “Hidden camera!”

Jasmeet : “And what makes you think that there are hidden camera here?”

Santa : “That guy on tv knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying, You are watching the Star World channel. How does he know that?”

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