MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?

Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you’ve just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

****

WHILE IN A DRUG STORE

Mr. Bean: I’d like some vitamins for my grandson.

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C?

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn’t know the alphabet yet!!

****

QUEUING BEHIND HIS FRIEND AT AN ATM MACHINE

Friend: What are you looking at?

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?

Mr. Bean: four asterisks!

****

Friend: how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why?

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse.

****

CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it’s a horror film.I didn’t see any picture.

Friend: What tape did you took anyway?

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

****

Mr. Bean: (crying) the doctor called, Mom’s dead.

Friend: condolence, my friend.

After 2 minutes Mr. Bean cries even louder

Friend: what now?

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too!

****

MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING

Colleague: Sorry I’m late. I got stock in an elevator for 4 hrs. because of a power failure.

Mr. Bean: Thats alright, me too…I got stock on the escalator for 3 hrs.

****

Spelling lesson

Mr. Bean’s Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful….is it one c or two c?

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure!

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“When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water”

“When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide”

“Nitrogen is not found in Tibet because it is not found in a free state.”

“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”

“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”

“Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u.”

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”

“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“Equator: A imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa.”

“Germinate: To become a naturalised German.”

“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”

“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”

“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”

“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.”

“For fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”

“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it.”

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.”

“For head cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.”

A man and his wife are watching a Mike Tyson boxing match on pay-per-view TV. The husband sighs and says, “I’m so disappointed! It was all over in four minutes. What a rip-off!!”

The wife replies, “Good! Now you know how I feel.”

Are they relative of yours ?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, ‘Are they relatives of yours?’

‘Yes,’ his wife replied. ‘I married into the family.’

Fighting With the Devil

It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, “We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week.”

Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, “It’s not all my fault either; she’s tough to get along with.”

Friend For Dinner

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What?… Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

Good Reason

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession…even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!”

Good Relationship

“Mary,” asked Dawn thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught your husband with another woman?”

“Another woman with MY husband?” Mary thought it over.

“Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”

House Calls

Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain.

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he’d gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, “Do you have a hammer?”

A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom.

A moment later, he came out and asked, “Do you have a chisel?”

Mr. Tuttle complied with the request.

In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”

“Not a thing,” replied old doc Carver. “I can’t get my instrument bag open.”

Husband and the Genie

There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie’s lamp.

The genie came out and said,” Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.”

The guy didn’t like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,

“Genie, I want a house in Hawaii.” POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn’t make him happy but, he made his second wish.

“Genie,I want 2 billion dollars.” POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn’t very happy. The genie says,”You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double.” The guy says,” Yeah,yeah.I know.” So the guy thinks real hard and says “

I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!”

New Wife

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”

The man said, “No dear.”

The women said, “I’m sure you would.”

So the man said, “Okay, I would”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”

And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”

Then the women asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”

And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.”

Who Wants To Be a Millionaire

A husband and wife are watching ‘Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,’ and the husband winks and says, ‘Honey, let’s go upstairs…’

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, ‘Is that your final answer?’ The wife says yes.

The husband says, ‘Well, can I phone a friend?

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And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed. And God separated the One from the Zero; and he saw it was good.

And God said – Let the Data be; And so it happened. And God said – Let the Data go to their proper places. And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

And God said – Let the computers be, so there would be a place to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks. Thus God created computers and called them hardware.

And there was no Software yet. But God created programs; small and big… And told them – Go and multiply yourselves and fill all the Memory.

And God said – I will create the Programmer; And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over the computers and programs and Data.

And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center; And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said You can use all the volumes and subvolumes but do not use Windows.

And God said – It is not good for the programmer to be alone. He took a bone from the Programmer’s body and created a creature that would look up at the Programmer; and admire the Programmer; and love the things the Programmer does; And God called the creature: the User.

And the Programmer and the User were left under the naked DOS and it was Good.

But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God. And Bill said to the User – Did God really tell you not to run any programs?

And the User answered – God told us that we can use every program and every piece of Data but told us not to run Windows or we will die.

And Bill said to the User – How can you talk about something you did not even try. The moment you run Windows you will become equal to God. You will be able to create anything you like by a simple click of your mouse.

And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge was useless–since Windows could replace it.

So the User installed the Windows on his computer; and said to the Programmer that it was good.

And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers. And God asked him–What are you looking for? And the Programmer answered–I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them in the DOS. And God said – Who told you need drivers? Did you run Windows? And the Programmer said – It was Bill who told us to!

And God said to Bill – Because of what you did, you will be hated by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you. And you will always sell Windows.

And God said to the User – Because of what you did, the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources; and you will have to use lousy programs; and you will always rely on the Programmers help.

And God said to the Programmer – Because you listened to the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.

And God threw them out of the Data Center and locked the door and secured it with a password.